Women are marketed gin as a healthy, fat free, self care drink. That big glamorous glass full of beautiful fruits and flowers mixed with the ‘mum medicine’ Delicious, relaxing and guilt free, right? But when does it become a problem? By British standards, not until you’ve lost your job, family, all your friends and you’re drinking alone on a park bench.
But there is a whole spectrum of alcoholism and more of us are struggling than you’d think.
I thought I was super sociable. But looking back I realise it never mattered to me who I drink with, just that I drank. Always up for every night out. But in reality, I was never really into the DJ or band. I was 100% just in it for the wine.
During child free weekends, I had (wrongly) convinced myself that I was the party!! If I don’t go, drink loads, be loud and tell jokes… how would anyone else have fun?!
I have proudly told hilarious hangover stories, like the time I was sick in my hands on the train one Saturday morning, and the time I fell asleep in a Dublin club on a hen do. But I never once associated this with a problem with alcohol. The problem was always that I didn’t eat enough that day, or that particular wine was too strong, or my period was due making me extra sensitive.
In corporate environments drinking is encouraged. High raking professionals talk openly about drinking to deal with the stress. But as long as you have a good job, get your child to school on time keep a reasonable grip on the washing basket, you’re fine. Alcohol is celebrated. The bad behaviour it fuels is forgiven and easily forgotten. Pretty much any terrible choice can be erased with the balmy words “you just had one too many.”
But for me, blackouts became a very real warning sign that something was wrong. The last nights events I had no memory of, being described to me like the end of a film I fell asleep watching. Waking up and taking inventory of your keys, bank cards and mobile phone. Its scary stuff when you start to imagine what could have happened.
Like lots of people during lockdown, drinking became my only leisure activity. (Aside from my daily walk, of course). But I started noticing it have a different effect. If I was watching tv and enjoying a 3rd glass of wine, my eyes could suddenly lose focus and have take myself off to bed. Only to wake up with the most horrific anxiety and frighteningly bad mental health. I couldn’t even enjoy a couple of glasses of wine without being absolutely floored by the subsequent hangover.
When I found myself singlehandedly trying to mange 8 hours work, 6 hours of home school and 12 hours of parenting a day, something had to give.
But how do you stop? What do people do in the evenings if they don’t enjoy a little drink to relax while scrolling social media? How do you break a habit thats as engrained as brushing your teeth before yo go to bed? I wasn’t in a place where I felt the need to seek out support groups or ask my GP for help. I was certain I wanted to stop, but unsure of how to fill the void that lay ahead of me every evening after work.
Being a natural oversharer I turned to instagram to find out how other people were managing their relationship with alcohol. It was such a relief to read the other people were struggling too. And I was astonished to see how many people had given it up completely!
So how do you start to break the habit? I began by creating a haven. Small steps to make my home feel more comfortable. I used to go the supermarket and buy the bare minimum, so I always had money for wine. The first notable splurge was buying (and you’ll laugh because it’s the maddest indulgence ever!) two rolls of bin bags. Honestly! But when I ran out of bin bags and realised a already had a 2nd roll in, rather than using carrier bags until I dragged myself the shop, I really started to feel like I had my shiz together. And its been onwards and upwards from there.
I plan ahead of craving, and book myself in for a massage on a Friday night I’m going to be alone. I don’t keep alcohol in the house. Instead I fill my fridge with a large selections of posh soft drinks!! For me, Ive noticed that its the act of always having a drink to reach for that I crave. I’m so into tea’s nowadays. Particularly the peppermint and liquorice Pukka tea *chefs kiss*.
I now wake up refreshed and excited for the day! I enjoy exercising and eating food that nourishes my body. I have time and energy for the things I love. I’ve naturally lost weight and receive regular compliments on my glowing skin. I’m fun, light hearted and feel prepared to tackle issues and obstacles with a level head. My credit card is no longer maxed out and I can afford nice things for myself, my son and my dog. Life is enjoyable, not something to avoid. Day’s are no longer something I drag myself through.
Catherine grey in her book The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, talks about the current definition of sober and how it should be changed. No one wants to be considered cold, or a judge! Sobriety to me is serene, relaxed, clear headed & creative. It’s productive. My home is sparkling clean, my grocery deliveries and fridge super organised. And I’m settled by a feeling of constant and overwhelming calmness.
I have extra money now. I no longer get pangs of anxiety when my favourite face serum is running low. I can afford to replace things before they even run out.
Alcohol lies. It made me think it LOVED a cheeky cigarette, when actually, smoking knocks me sick. It made me think I loved socialising, when really, sober me can be quite introverted. It made me believe that I was bad at my job, never had enough time for things I loved and was rubbish with money. Alcohol is full of rubbish! Of course it wanted me to believe all of those lies. How else could it keep tight its grip on me and keep me coming back? Wine was my abusive boyfriend.
I’ve become a sugar fiend in sobriety. Did you know that cheap wine and lager have loads of sugar in? I’ve never had a sweet tooth, but now I can’t get enough of fizzy drinks and chocolate. But I suppose no ones kids have ever asked “Mum, please don’t have too many biscuits tonight”.
Now that lockdown is lifting and we can eat out again, I will have a pint, but absolutely no wine. Its a 2 drink limit for me at weekends and none at all at home.
Obviously this is just my personal experience and everyones circumstances and thoughts around alcohol are different. If you feel like you’d like to make a change but don’t know where to start you can speak your GP, call Drinkline on 0300 123 1110 or find a local support group online at alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk and my Instagram DM’s are always open @my_brother_sarah
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