Relationships, friendships and jobs all end, and thats ok.
Why do we associate longevity with success?
Is it successful to spend 40 years of your life with someone if you weren’t truly happy? Is it an achievement to have worked for your passive aggressive boss for 20 years, rather than taking the leap to do something that fills your heart? Is it admirable that you hang out with the same people you went to school with, even though they bitch behind your back and never support your creativity, business ideas, true sexuality or support the relationship you really want?
Rejection is brutal. But have you ever split up with someone and met someone worse? Each time I’ve ended up happier than ever… bar a few questionable encounters in between.
Why do we associate time alone with being lonely? loneliness is a state of mind and has nothing to do with being with being with someone else. Being in a relationship and feeling misunderstood or taken for granted, is the loneliest place in the world.
The times I’ve been single hold the greatest memories for me. I’ve gone on holiday exactly when and where I wanted to. Ate what and when I liked, without having to wait for someone else. Went to bed at the exact time I felt like and changed jobs freely and without the concerns of a partner projecting their own fears of of uncertainty in my ear. I’ve bought clothes because I liked them, without the internalised male gaze and without feeling guilty for spending money on myself.
If it wasn’t drilled in us from birth that we have to find the right partner, earn enough to buy a house, settle down and have a family (all by age 30) perhaps we’d be less likely to settle for less. A very dear scorpio friend of mine says “you’re either single or you settle, that’s why the call it settling down”.
What if we weren’t programmed to think the entire world was coming to an end, just because a relationship was? What if we all had the ability to love someone else, while maintaining a deep rooted sense that we’d still be happy, successful and whole individuals without them?
The very much American and extremely un-British art of going to the cinema or out for dinner alone can seem terrifying. But when I have done it, it’s been liberating. Not least because I go the loo at least twice during a film.
I’m fascinated by relationships. Not the gossip mag kind. But the weird, beautiful, healthy and wonderful ways in which we float in and out of each other’s lives.
Now imagine if we could take the ego out of our relationships and not treat every ending like it’s rejection from the tribe that will lead to certain death. Treat our romantic relationships like we would a job or course, and understand from the outset that things would eventually, come to a natural ending. We’d have so much more headspace to enjoy them while we’re in them.
Because following that ending, it’s actually very reasonable that you will meet someone else. Plus time alone can be extremely fulfilling. Especially as women tend to take on the majority of household chores and emotional Labour in CIS heterosexual relationships. We can often be left with very little time to explore the hobbies, music, even the clothes we like. I’ve for sure dressed the way a partner likes me to in the past. Been resentful of a partners free time and energy while I was burned out from work, school run, cooking dinner and cleaning up.
Taking time to learn about yourself is a beautiful thing, not something to be afraid of. Taking time to be single should be viewed as admirably as getting married.
If we removed the belief that someone should love us forever because they fell in love with us once, we wouldn’t take people for granted.
If we taught children about insecurity, trauma, different types of psychological therapy and how to access them. They could be less likely to enter or stay in violent or abusive relationships.
If the pandemic’s taught us anything, it’s that life is short. Summer is no longer guaranteed and the rug of life as we know it can be pulled at any moment.
You don’t have to wait for someone to do something catastrophically hurtful before ending a relationship. You can decide that you no longer want to continue with a relationship of any sort, simply, just because.
There are 7.9 billion people in the world and you think the love of your life is from West Derby?
Let’s all stop believing that someone’s life will be ruined for eternity just because we don’t fancy them anymore. They will move on, find hobbies and people that make them glow from the inside. They’ll probably be happier than they ever were with you, and that’s ok. Because you will too.
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